


Non-existence

by louvreangel



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Drama, F/M, Feelings, Friendship/Love, Love, Spoilers, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-08 01:24:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18622216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louvreangel/pseuds/louvreangel
Summary: *spoilers for Endgame, if you haven't watched it, don't even read this summary even though I'm trying to very subtle* There was only one way this could go. A sacrifice had to be made but why did it have to be any of them? It wasn't fair and they were both ready to sacrifice themselves for one another. Was love really still for children? (Clintasha with thoughts of that moment.)





	Non-existence

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: If you haven't watched the movie, don't read it. The whole fanfiction is based on one big fat spoiler. Also, don't read the Author's note either.

_Please._

_Please._

_Don’t let go._

He was hanging onto her wrist like he was holding onto his dear life and the thought of letting go of that hand had never passed his mind, no matter what. He was looking into her eyes and all he could think of was how hopeful they looked.

She knew what he had been doing all that time in that five year period. She didn’t go after him, she didn’t follow him. She didn’t think he was a murderer, or a bad person overall. On the contrary, she let him take his revenge, avenge his family and soothe his pain. But then her teammates came around and invented a fucking time machine and told her there was a chance. _A chance_. After five, long, lonely years of waiting.

_Hope_.

Finally, there was hope.

Hope is a dangerous sentiment. Because even a small amount of it can turn you into a whole different person.

So when they came to this snowy mountain and faced the goddamned truth of one of them having to die in order to get the stone, it felt so surreal to her. Like everything was a joke, or a dream rather.

She knew he would try to sacrifice himself to save her. Like a million times he had done before.

He knew she would try to sacrifice herself to save him. Like a million times she had done before.

They had to fight, once again, for one last time, for the most unreal feeling reason. This time, it was seriously going to end in one of them dying, in literal sense.

Natasha knew she had to do this. She felt more than willing to sacrifice her life for him. She loved him and nothing could ever change that. So if her dying meant that they could save the world and he could go back to his family, she wouldn’t really bat an eyelash on her decision.

Clint knew he had to do this. He killed so many people, he went astray and now there was this woman in front of her—the woman who had grown so much, changed for the better so much over the years. The woman for whom he had given up on so much. He had known her for such a long time now, he couldn’t even remember the times where she was a killing machine with a red dot target attached to her back. All he could remember was the second that he decided not to kill her and instead, bring her in. And all those years she proved herself to be the best human being he's ever met.

She deserved better. So it wasn’t really a sacrifice that he was doing, in his mind. He was doing the right thing.

Exactly like what she was thinking.

_Don’t do this to me._

_Please._

Did he really need to beg? Because he could. All day long he could beg.

Beg for forgiveness. Beg for mercy.

He could continue begging her not to let go of his hand for an eternity. Until she would give up and say, _Fine, I won't let go_. She didn’t deserve this. She deserved a better life in a better planet with her loved ones.

But she was smiling. She was looking at him and she was smiling. She wasn’t holding onto his hand anymore either.

She was going to let go.

He wasn’t strong enough.

Nothing was okay.

Nothing was ever gonna be okay.

He could pretend with his wife, his kids at first. Then he could move on, he could live, he could love.

But there was no chance he could ever forget that moment he couldn’t hold her hand anymore because she let go of him, then fell into the abyss of darkness, then there lay her motionless body, blood coming out of her head. Everything was written in his skull, every little detail of that scene that had happened in front of him. The desperation he felt, how could he really forget? 

It could never, ever be okay and he could never forget.

He would always be grateful.

Yet, he could never truly be okay.

He would never return to Shield, to being an Avenger or whatnot. Without his true partner, he didn’t want any part in any of that shit. It was useless now to return back and be the Hawkeye again. 

Because none of this had been like Budapest, nothing even resembled Budapest and he wished that it all had been as easy as Budapest once was.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I don't know what to say. I love and hate the movie at the same time. I'll watch it again at the cinema but I'm not sure if my heart will be able to handle it again. Natasha's death was the most shocking thing that's ever happened after Loki's dead in my opinion. I was on the edge of my seat and she literally died like, I can't describe my feelings with words. Clintasha was everything to me since day one and they will always be--even though Clint's got a lovely family.
> 
> More fanfictions of these two to come because this is the only way I can somehow feel better about the current situation. 
> 
> xoxo louvreangel


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